LIKE A FEATHER IN THE WIND

When I lost my first born son's father when my son was only three months old, THAT HURT.  I looked down at this amazing, beautiful creation, created by the union of him and I, and how beautiful but SO SAD.  Last week marks the 7 year anniversary of his death (RIP Joshua), and EVERY year it never gets easier to face Mother's Day all alone, realizing how important a father's place in his children's life truly is. Over the years from having to diffuse the pain I see in my son's eyes from not having him around, I too suffer from only being one woman; emotional, illogical, empathetic, sensitive, and completely unable/incapable of being his father.  I tell him his father is with God, in a Heavenly place where he can hear his sons thoughts, wishes, dreams, and our Heavenly Father is there to do all the things that his Dad would do like providing a home, food, safety, security, and direction, but unfortanately from afar.  I tell him that he still has amazing men in his life that are there to give him that love his dad could've given him like his Papa, his uncle, my close friends and their fathers but does it ever take the pain away that wells up in his eyes at pure moments of loss? No.

Here I am, Sunday, Mother's Day, facing the internal struggle I face with every year of  having to do this life alone without him and then I face another stuggle; taking my own father to the hospital due to congestive heart failure. Thoughts of possibly losing my Dad leaves me in just as a restless and helpless state as I have witnessed time and time again within my own son and trying to look at life without him, leaves me feeling desolate, empty.  My faith in God secures the peace within me that he would be progressing to the next state of life, a rebirth, if he were to die in this physical realm but why does the pain then still persist within me?  My son tells me that he never got to have time with his Dad, and how true that is. He tells me that even if Papa were to die today, I still would have had my WHOLE LIFE to have spent with him. How do you tell an 8 year old, your fears are just as real as his and that there is no cure even long after he is gone for the loss of his life within our lives?

We are nothing but a feather in the wind, being tossed about by the winds of change. Where will we end up? When will the wind cease and the enveloping properties of its' effortless momentum resist our need for adventure where we will slowly fall to the ground, no life within us, our journey over, our final destination?  Here I am contemplating life and death yet have SEEN death to SEE life once more.  I know what is to come, and what we must face in the darkness before the light can come but it still doesn't make living life on this earth without the man I love so much and have called Father ANY easier. I guess this moment was nothing more than a dose of reality for me to feel the pain my son feels, the pain we all feel when someone we love is approaching their limits and we are faced with dealing with life without them.  As I would say to my son when he does something I don't agree with, "Not a fan" I would say, "Not a fan" yet this day has made me a participant of a day that is soon to come, a day that must come, and a day that will bring my heart to it's lowest moments since the death of my sons father.  Father, father, how we need thee. Father, father, you are my everything....Let the strength that resides within me prevail the winds of eternity.